To All Of The Extreme "Growers"
Backstory of this piece: This is a condensed version of one of my journal entries. I've realized that, after having conversations with some really wonderful and inspirational people, this story is all too familiar: the internal battle of wanting to always be better versus feeling enough. Often this starts with abandoning an undesirable part of yourself and strictly honing in on another. But then later, discovering the power of the whole being. I know that this story is beyond just my feelings and emotions; it’s your story too. So this is my heart speaking to yours, and your heart speaking to mine.
“Just be yourself! You’re enough,” they all said.
The words traveled through my ears, but not very far. Vanished in my head, never reached my heart.
I stubbornly aspired to be the cultural definition of a successful adult: a courageous lion.
In the past ‘being just myself’ didn’t serve me. I tried to be me, I thought, and that sucked! Their words are gibberish!
So I carefully followed the recipe directed. Mixing the right ingredients in the proper order, with stunning precision: If I follow the formula perfectly, there’s no way I can screw this up. Soon I will be the most gallant lion!
That meant hiding my sheep layers. Because frankly, no one wants to deal with a wimp.
I nervously climbed into a lion’s costume. Pretty soon I could even muster up a growl.
The cycle I was in was addicting and thrilling: devouring one self-help book made me starve for three more. Guides and models carved my path; they made me certain that I was on track.
For a while it all seemed to help. I built strong traits I never had before. I was becoming the person young Anna wished she could be. I was “growing.”
Still something didn’t sit well with me.
Alone in my room, observing my greatest accomplishments and successes, I wasn’t happy.
When everyone’s voices were muted, mine was blaringly loud.
Why do I feel like a pretender? What if people find out? What would they think?
Stop being ungrateful! Focus on the growth. It's given you so many blessings.
*
*
But then, I met this woman. Her energy, wisdom, and power were remarkable. Her presence made the room sparkle. When she spoke, everyone shut up to listen.
I chatted with her frequently. Inquiring about her life, I listened with intense curiosity. Over time I put the pieces together. She wasn’t a lion. Neither was she a sheep. She was some blend of the two, and she was happy!
What surprised me the most was that she embraced her sheep layers. She said they gave her abilities no pure lion could ever imagine.
I reflected on specific moments in my past. The times when I was attacked and there was no lion costume to shrink into. The instances that made me disgusted by my sheep layers.
Was I really attacked because I was a sheep? Or was it something else?
The memory was foggy. I was just a kid. So I eagerly investigated the memory further.
With the flog clear the scene was vivid. I saw the big kids, the mean words spoken, and little me.
But I noticed something new.
The way the kids belittled me: they had no attachment to their words, only to the pain it produced. What they truly sought was power. They sought to distract themselves...from themselves, because they too despised of their inner sheep. I empathized with them. They were young and didn’t know any better.
*
*
It was never about me. It had never been about me. I was always enough.
I cried. A lot.
Because, after all the years of wishing and hoping to build this impenetrable, lovable, ideal version of myself, I was exactly who I was looking for.
Young Anna had made a key decision that would uproot myself from my darkness. The decision affected the next decade of my life. I desperately searched for a solution within myself, but I was never the problem to start.
What I felt wasn’t regret. It was simply understanding. I did what I thought was right and it made sense why I made the decisions I did.
With the truth uncovered I felt light and free. An all too familiar burden lifted off me. I could finally breathe.
I am part lion, part sheep.
The lion gives me courage, honor, strength.
The sheep gives me connection, empathy, humility.
And together they make me powerful.
Together they make me me. The thought itself fills my heart with so much love. After all that time of seeking, changing, and pretending I know now:
I am who I am meant to be
❤️